SELF SPECTATORING DURING LOVE MAKING
“Be what you wanna be'” so goes the melodious tune of a very famous T. V. advertise of a Rum brand. Apart from everything else, what really impresses one is the message itself. “Be what you want to be! ‘ Be yourself. Be Spontaneous.”
Spontaneity is essential in all walks of life to feel at ease, to feel at peace and be happy in all endeavors.
If at all spontaneity is demanded at its best, it is in the bedroom. During intimacy, romance and love making. During sharing of affection and caring. During Sex! It is in our experience that the best of the sexual experiences, the most memorable ones, the feeling of heavenly pleasure and ecstasy were experiential reality for us when both the partner were at the peak of spontaneity in expression of their love and sex potentials.
But, alas! Many of us are at a miserable end when it comes to love making. Not only we tend to loose our spontaneity, but also we become spectators of our love-play. We try to observe and keep a check on what we are doing and how we are doing and how well we are doing or not doing! It is as if there is a third person in the bedroom trying to keep a watch and supervise your ‘love-labors’. Obviously, lovemaking looses all its charm and volatility.
What makes one a spectator of one’s sex life?
Prem, 31 yrs. old, computer engineer, recently married, failed to consume his marriage (perform sexual intercourse) on first night because of a very rapid and passionate sexual response and reached orgasm and ejaculation even before penetration could be attempted. The pattern repeated over next couple of days. Although Sujata, his wife was quite patient and co-operative, self-doubt entered in Prem’s mind.
He started becoming anxious about these “teething troubles” of early sex life. He started becoming anxious all along the day whether he will be able to perform in the bed or not? The pressure would mount further even before undressing would take place. His involvement in foreplay was gradually replaced by increasing levels of anxiety. This disrupted his sexual state and dampened the sexual arousal resulting into weaker erections or even loosing erections during foreplay. The self-confidence was rapidly declining. Gradually he started avoiding opportunities of love making under some or other pretext. Even if he would go for it he would be skeptical and tend to observe himself during fore play. He became a spectator from a player!
Imagine Sachin Tendulkar or Wishwanath Anand becoming conscious about their performance or the result. Will they be able to play their natural game any more? No. In such a situation the performance pressure and anxiety overwhelms the psyche. In the ‘game’ of sex, where the two partners need to be totally themselves, if one or both of them gets in to some kind of pressure of performance or achievement, then he, she or both of them will start observing and spectatoring oneself or each other. And the moment one becomes a spectator of one’s game, he ceases to become a player. And, you loose the grip and the charm of playing.
Prem also lost all his spontaneity and became merely a spectator of his half-hearted and ineffective attempts at love making.
When does the gentlemen loose spontaneity in their bedroom?
The commonest situations are the pre marital sexual performance anxieties leading to a ‘test drive’ of macho powers in most often a casual sex relation, frequently with a commercial sex worker. These are often the unsatisfactory types of experiences due to factors like hurry, fear, guilt, inexperience and lack of intimacy in the relationship. And, such experiences then lead to a lot of performance anxiety and spectatoring in subsequent sex life.
The newly married men with the early failures to do intercourse (peno-vaginal penetrative sex) (as in above case of Prem) or failure to do sex satisfactorily often give rise to birth of a spectator.
In couples with few years of marriage life, certain complex factors operate. It can be due to premature ejaculation or simply because the man has normal duration of intercourse but is not able to give his wife what she deserves for her true or idealized multi-orgasmic potentials. Or, when there exists mistrust and suspicion about the partner’s loyalty, the spectatoring to the extent of spying often results.In middle age the spectatoring often accompanies onset of the psychological or organic erectile dysfunction, or in the midst of marital conflicts accompanying the extra marital affairs.
When does the lady become a spectator?
Aparna had never experienced orgasm in her four years of marriage life. Lately they became aware about her never experienced privilege. Sunil too, was concerned about her not reaching orgasm. They have been frantically trying all means to reach the cherished goal. Apart from ‘sex tonic’ available in the market, candle light dinner, perfume, sexy bedroom-costumes, fore play variations, mutual masturbation, oral sex, change of positions during inter play and even some sex stimulating gadgets were not helping them out. In fact, what really use to happen is, as the sexual excitement would build up in her, Aparna would become conscious of her need to reaching to orgasm. She would soon loose her spontaneous involvement in the lovemaking and become spectator of what is happening to her; Whether she reaches orgasm or not? This proved counterproductive and chances of her reaching orgasm used to become more remote. The very apprehension itself becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
What is the way out?
Re-establishing the sensual intimacy and sexual spontaneity is possible only by taking away the performance pressures and relieving the inter-personal stress. This is best brought about by the judicious and individually tailored sensate focus exercises advocated by the celebrated American sexologists, Masters and Johnson. Medicine point of view Homeopathy has been found to be extremely useful in allaying the state of performance anxiety and the bitterness of the inter-personal conflicts, especially while dealing with extremely anxious, nervous and stressed couples. Organic sexual disturbances too, respond well to Homeopathic therapy with a Holistic approach.
For any query, call the sexologist in Mumbai, Dr. Hitesh Shah : +9869035111